Missing My (Human) Soulmate

It is with very deep sadness that I must tell you my beloved husband, Sam, passed peacefully in his sleep early Friday morning, October 7th. 💔😢.

Remembering Sam’s better days.

Most – if not all – of my long time readers know (but may not remember) that Sam was diagnosed with early-onset dementia in June of 2018. Back then it was still mild enough that Sam could enjoy a sense of independence. As the years passed, however, his cognitive abilities became so impaired that the doctors insisted he not be allowed to drive any more. That loss of independence really bothered him. Then Bogie had his traumatic accident, and a month later we lost Ducky to the sudden heart failure. The two losses coming so close together devastated us both and really started Sam’s downward spiral.

Before the dementia took control of Sam’s mind, we had a soul-to-soul connection, an affinity with each other that carried us through many trivial arguments over this or that. And it helped me separate the Sam I love from the dementia-induced alter ego who angered me, disappointed me, and hurt my feelings so often.

The real Sam was a kind-hearted, loving, friendly soul who never met a stranger. The real Sam loved his family – including each one of our many fur babies – with his whole heart, and we all love him. Now Sam and the fur kids (except Zen obviously) are all together again. Sam is no longer being chased relentlessly by his dementia demons; and all the earthly anxieties that plagued Ducky when Sam’s demons were lurking about are gone. So now they can all relax and enjoy each other’s company while they wait for Zen and me to join them.

I miss the real Sam. I know his spirit is with me, but I miss his physical presence. I miss our morning hugs, sitting in his lap with my head against his shoulder when I was sad, our walks around the back yard. I miss our day trips to the mountains with the pups. I miss his smile, his laugh, his hand reaching for mine. I miss watching him interact with the dogs. And I will miss him and each of them until it’s my turn to join them.

Grief is the price we pay for love. I know the pain of this loss will ebb and flow. I’m prepared for that. So I’ll close this post with a simple request…prayers for anyone and everyone impacted in some way by dementia. It is a horribly cruel disease, worse than cancer in my opinion.

I don’t have the obituary quite ready yet; but I can tell you that we will have a simple memorial service for Sam at our church a week from Saturday. For anyone who wants more details, just send me a message or email.

11 thoughts on “Missing My (Human) Soulmate

  1. Tails Around the Ranch says:

    Oh Sue, I’m just heartbroken over your loss. I couldn’t in good conscience hit the ‘like’ button, because this is not likeable. May the passage of time bring back all the happy memories you shared with the ‘real’ Sam instead of the present day sorrows about his loss. I hope Zen is helping to fill your quiet times with comfort. Thinking of you and sending tender thoughts of comfort. 💔

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Caren says:

    oh no, I am so sorry I am just seeing this now. My heart hurts for you, you have gone through so much. I am sooo deeply sorry. My father-in-law and grandfather had that dreadful disease….it is so hard watching those we love decline and not really know who we are. I am happy that you are holding on to GOOD memories…..that is what you should hold close to your heart. You were a wonderful spouse and gave your all to help Sam. I am so deeply, deeply sorry. (((hugs)))

    Liked by 2 people

  3. sierrakoester says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Dementia truly is a horrible disease. My grandma had Alzheimer’s. Dementia takes so much. Please hold on to the fond memories you have of Sam. I hope those memories bring you some comfort during this difficult time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Xena and Lucy says:

    Thanks for your comment on my blog, and I will be glad to send you that recipe if you will give me your email address. amylsandy@gmail.com
    I just read your post, and please accept my deepest sympathies for your loss, especially for when you first lost the man your husband was. I can’t even imagine…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Meezer'sMews&TerrieristicalWoofs says:

    I am ever so sorry that you have lost your husband. The man you knew, and the man who was not *The Sam*…
    MY sincere sympathy to you and Zen.

    Dementia is such a robber of those we love. I Lost my father, my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law to that scourge, and I deal with it all the time when I am at my work in a long term care facility.

    Sending hugs and much love your way. And prayers that God will uphold you and be very near to you during these difficult days.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. edgar62 says:

    Annabell and I are so very sorry for your loss. You will be with us in our prayers. We know this must one day come but very few of us are ever prepared for it. You will be in my thoughts and I will add you to the church prayer list.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Brian says:

    I am so very sorry and am heartbroken for you and the loss of your love and soulmate. I’m glad that Zen is there to help you through the many difficult challenges. Hugs and love from all of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. catladymac says:

    So sorry to read this. The saying is that the good Lord never gives you more than you can handle, but sometimes it certainly taxes and tests you. Sending you prayers and love .

    Liked by 1 person

  9. My GBGV Life says:

    I’m so very sorry to hear this. It has been such a tough year for you, more sadness than anyone should have to bear. Sam is in a better place now, but you are here and will need to find your life on your own. Dementia is a terrible torture more for those around that person who is suffering. We are all sending you love and hugs in this very hard time.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. derrycats says:

    Liking the post isn’t quite right, as you noted in my post about Morgan, but anyway…so sorry for your loss. What a huge change that is in your world and life. I’m glad you have so many good memories to hang onto, especially since things have been harder in recently months/years. Dementia of any sort is, indeed, a very cruel disease.

    Liked by 1 person

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