Feeling A Mix of Emotions

11/26/202306/19/202430 Comments

Today – Sunday, November 26th, 2023 is the 30th anniversary of my and hubby’s wedding. It should be a happy day. Yet I spent the majority of it in tears. I miss my man so much! He was my soulmate, my best friend.

We were supposed to grow older together. We were supposed to travel together, play with the dogs together.

I should be happy we had 28 years together. And I am. I’m grateful for the years we did have. But I’m also sad and angry that we didn’t get to have more. I’m sad and angry that the dementia stole him from himself and from me. I try to recall that last greeting, that last “I love you” and it eludes me, which saddens me even more. I thank God that at least Sam transitioned peacefully from this world to the one where he was given his wings and made whole again. Yet some days I yell and scream at God for cursing Sam with the dementia. It’s called grieving. And it feels like the pits of hell some days. Other days, like yesterday, I’m fine during the day; but as it gets closer to bedtime, the pups’ adolescent behaviors push me to the very limit of my patience. Then, once they settle down I do too. And everything is right in our little world again. I say good night to them, and to their angel sisters and brothers. And I tell Sam “I love you, and I miss you so much. Good night my love.”

I originally started this blog after Callie passed away in 2015. Then Shadow left us, too; and I started posting here more than in my original blog. Now, eight years later, it feels only right that I should include Sam in my group of angels waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge because I know he’s right there playing with them.

Writing this post has been somewhat cathartic for me. I’ve only been on this widow’s journey for a little over a year. I have these two adolescent dogs to love and raise without my hubby’s help. But I know he’s looking down at me saying “you can do it. You’ve got this!” And then he blows stardust down at the pups and me so we know we’re loved. ❤️

HAPPY 30th ANNIVERSARY SAM!!! I LOVE YOU NOW AND ALWAYS!!!

WP Daily Prompt – What are you passionate about?

06/15/202306/15/20235 Comments

In just two words … my dogs. I am passionate about their welfare, their health, and their happiness. I am passionate about giving them the best life I can afford.

I am passionate about giving them as much unconditional love as they give me. They are sweet, loving, goofy, fun, loyal, and sometimes frustrating teenagers. They are my best friends as well as my “fur-babies” and I am their “mama”.

They are both Heaven-sent, picked out for me by my canine soulmate who earned her angel wings and joined her older sisters and younger brothers in Heaven in February of last year.

These two current pups didn’t know their human “daddy” – hubby’s dementia had already mostly robbed me of the man I married by the time Zen came to live with us at 8 weeks of age. The shell of that man made my poor puppy nervous at times, so he spent a lot of time with his breeder. When hubby was admitted to the hospital, I spent time getting the house cleaned up – when I wasn’t at the hospital with hubby – and then I brought Zen home with me for good. Zoey was born less than a month before hubby passed (peacefully in his sleep at the hospital, thankfully). She came to live with Zen and me in mid-November. And life has been somewhat chaotic and exhausting at times ever since – but always filled with love.

I was just as passionate about my furry angels before they each got their own angel wings. At times it was exhausting dividing my time between them and their human “daddy”; but I always tried to do my best and was always rewarded with their unconditional love.

It devastated hubby and me each time we had to say good-bye to one of the pups. And that devastation – especially the loss of Bogie, an 11-month-old Golden Retriever who got his angel wings due to a traumatic accident – is what finally catapulted poor hubby into the final stages of his dementia. The last one to leave was my soulmate, Ducky, a Cardigan Corgi/Black Lab mix who I adopted from the shelter in 2012. It is Ducky who picked out these two for me, with help from her “baby brother”. Bogie is genetically related to both Zen and Zoey, so he was a natural helper. Ducky knew me better than I knew myself at the time. And she knew exactly what I needed insofar as my next furry earth angels. She visits me quite frequently with their help. (So does Bogie.)

Since this is Thursday – and I am thankful for all the pups I’ve had/now have in my life – I decided this daily prompt from WordPress was perfect for today’s blog hop post.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Callie

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Callie was my/our very first Golden Retriever. She was born 19 years ago today. She was a sweet, loving, and very independent puppy and adult.

Even at four months old she was teaching me about being a good dog mom. She was the first born in her litter, and from the time she opened her eyes – according to her breeder – she helped her mama stop and settle squabbles among her littermates.

When we added Shadow to our little family six months after we’d brought Callie home, Callie appointed herself Shadow’s surrogate mama, protector, best friend, teacher, and big sister. Callie sensed, correctly, that Shadow was a somewhat “needy” girl right from the start. And from day one, the girls forged a bond between them that would later transcend time and space.

Callie & Shadow’s First Christmas (2004)

When we added Ducky to the family in 2012, Callie taught Ducky how to be a dog, how to be a member of our family; and she intervened in the many squabbles between Shadow and Ducky. She also taught Ducky all she would need to know about getting along with Shadow once it was just the two of them. I think she might have warned Ducky of ghostly discipline, too, if she didn’t treat Shadow right. 🤣

Callie was my and hubby’s dear friend, our ambassador for her breed. And she owned and loved us equally, neither of us was her favorite “parent.” I will never forget her as long as I have my wits about me. She was our girl. And she was Shadow’s and Ducky’s older sister and best friend. And she taught Ducky well how to protect Shadow and be her true friend and sister.

So I’ll end this post by saying “Happy Birthday” to my dear Callie. The girl who started my love of Golden Retrievers, the girl who picked Radar and Bogie for Sam and me after Shadow joined her at the Rainbow Bridge.

Thankful for So Much

02/16/202312 Comments

To start with, I’m thankful that Heavenly Birthdays Week is over. And that Ducky’s first year in Heaven is complete as of last night. It was a rough nine days, but I got through it intact.

Those are the flowers I had put in the sanctuary of our church on Sunday morning in honor of my three newest guardian angels on their birthdays.

I’m thankful, too, for my earth angels, Zen and Zoey. Thankful that they love me unconditionally, and that they love each other too.

I’m thankful for all my friends in the pet blogosphere who have “been there” for me over the years and with whom I’ve shared the joys and sorrows of pet parenthood. ❤️❤️

And I’m thankful for my genetic family, my church family, my Golden (Retriever) family, my family of friends and neighbors, the roof over my and my pups’ heads, food on my table and in my pups’ bowls, and so much more that I can’t enumerate.

A Lot of Firsts this Christmas

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Zen and Zoey enjoyed their first Christmas, it would appear. Santa brought them new toys and treats; and l gave them a scrambled egg with their breakfast.

And since Zoey’s been doing so much better with her “potty” training these last few weeks, I let her play on the carpeted living room floor with Zen most of the day.

Vying for the same toy. 🤣

These two had us – my brother and me – laughing most of the day. And there weren’t any accidents on the carpet at all. (Though there were two on the linoleum kitchen floor that I blame myself for.)

On my first Christmas without him, I thought of Sam often throughout the day – missing his physical presence and wishing I could hear his laughter and see his smile as the puppies played with their toys. – I came close to tears a few times, but mostly just felt the hole in my space that Sam’s presence filled for most of the last 30 years. I know he was here in spirit, as were all our furry angels. It was that knowing they were here with us in spirit that mostly kept the tears away.

And on my first Christmas without sweet Ducky and darling Bogie, I called Zoey “Ducky” several times because of the stark similarities in their sweet natures. And once or twice I called Zen “Bogie” just because it came out of my mouth first. LOL. A fleeting thought of dear Bogie’s awful death brought tears to my eyes, but they dried quickly when I thought of how loving, sweet, and intuitive he was throughout his much-too-short life.

Sometime last night, as I was checking Facebook, I found this memory of Ducky from what should have been Radar’s first Christmas with us. I felt myself choke up a little remembering that sweet boy’s battle with heart worm disease in 2019. But at least he went ahead knowing he had a family who loved him dearly and would miss his love and presence in their life.

So, all in all, my first Christmas without my two cherished soulmates was a good one. Bittersweet memories of Christmases past mixed with new memories to treasure from Christmas present. Unlike Ebenezer Scrooge, the ghost of Christmas future didn’t visit me in my dreams so I have no idea what’s in store for me. And I’m not going to dwell on or worry about it.

So, in ending this post, I hope that all my family and friends had a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever holiday you celebrate at this time of year. May we ALL look forward to a happy and fulfilling new year.

Big Brother, Little Sister

11/23/202211/23/202212 Comments

Zen is the big brother that every little sister dreams about during her naps. He plays with Zoey so I can do my little chores.

He stays with her when I have to leave the room for a minute or two, or more.

When Zoey is doing something she shouldn’t be doing – like chewing on the kitchen table or chairs – Zen distracts her for me so she’ll stop. Or if Zoey’s teething on my big toe (through the sock), Zen will nip on one of her paws. She lets out a little yelp and goes after his paw. I wish I had a video of it. I’ll keep trying.

Zoey is sweet and loving, and feisty. I keep getting this image in my head of her telling Ducky that “Mama talks about you all the time.” To which Ducky replies “that’s why we sent you.” She truly reminds me of Ducky as the little demon dog I brought home from the shelter a little over ten years ago.

And Zen, my adoring son. He has grown up so much in these four months since hubby was admitted to the hospital! He’s much taller, much heavier, and still thin but not lanky like Bogie was at this age. He’s all muscle. He weighed 72.4 pounds when I had him weighed at the end of October; I’d be willing to bet he’s closer to 76 pounds now. And he’s maturing mentally, too. He still likes giving me hugs like a human. He stands on his two back legs and puts his front legs around my waist. 😍

When I see Zen being so very patient with Zoey as she bites and pulls on his tail, or pulls on his chest furs, or steals his chew toy, it reminds me of Callie with Shadow; and later on Callie’s patience with the much younger Ducky. And the brother-sister relationship between Radar and Ducky; and then Ducky’s unending patience with and adoration of Bogie. Bogie was forever pestering Ducky, but she was unwavering in her patience with him even as she looked to me for help.

Oh, did I mention that Zen watches Zoey in her crate at night, while I’m getting ready for bed?

It’s so sweet the way Zen watches over Zoey!

I let them play in the kitchen together. That way if Zen gets too excited and forgets he’s not as little as she is, Zoey can run under one of the chairs where he can’t reach her. He’ll keep barking at her for a minute or two, but he does settle down. Then Zoey comes out of her safe place and they start playing again. 💚🐾💜🐾

Short clip but you can get the idea.

Drawn to the Shelter

04/07/202204/06/202220 Comments

Since Ducky joined her sisters and brothers at the Rainbow Bridge, I have said I wouldn’t be getting another shelter dog anytime in the near future. Mainly because it wouldn’t be fair to that dog to have to deal with hubby’s dementia episodes on top of the challenges of just settling into a new life. That has not changed. I’m not sure I’ll ever be emotionally ready to adopt another shelter animal. So, you might be asking yourself, what is she leading up to?

Well, for most of the last two weeks, I was feeling drawn to the shelter in search of a dog that looked like Ducky. I resisted every urge to drive over there in fear I would find one and want to bring her home against my own better judgment. I could not understand why I was feeling so drawn to the shelter when I knew it wasn’t time yet.

Well, on Sunday afternoon I went on the shelter’s website – again drawn to finding a Ducky lookalike. And, I actually found one….

I won’t share her photograph here because I don’t own the rights to it (the shelter does). And it wouldn’t be right. I won’t divulge the name the shelter gave her, either, even though it’s cute. Let’s just call her “Sissy”, as in Ducky’s little sister.

She is approximately 2-1/2 years old. She could not look any more like Ducky at the same age if they were identical twins! The ears, and the eyes!! My doG, she is adorable! And she even weighs about the same as Ducky did at that age! I wanted to run over to the shelter and play with her right then and there. Luckily, the shelter is closed to the public on Sundays. 😌 I fell in love with her image. Just as I had fallen in love with Ducky nearly ten years ago.

All Sunday afternoon and evening, and then Monday morning, I kept going back to the picture of little Sissy. And talking to my sweet Ducky. I decided to call the shelter to see if she had been adopted yet. If not, I was going to bring Ducky’s two smaller beds to the shelter and ask that they be given specifically to Sissy.

When I called, I was told by a very nice lady that Sissy had been adopted. A wave of relief flowed over me. But I also felt hugely happy for her. Happy that she had found her forever family very quickly. (Poor Ducky spent most of her first 7 months of life at the shelter before we adopted her.) I hope – and have to trust – that they will love Sissy with their whole hearts and give her all she needs for the rest of her life. After I hung up with the shelter lady, I told hubby “we’re going to take Ducky’s two smaller beds to the shelter and put them in the donations bucket, in honor of Ducky’s life with us.” So, we stopped at the Atlanta Bread shop for a late lunch and then took the beds to the shelter.

Once the beds were in the donations “bucket” and we were back in the car, I felt happy. Happy that Sissy had been adopted; and happy because I knew Ducky was proud of me. I could literally feel her smiling at me with that special smile she always reserved for me. It was a huge healing moment for me.

There will still be tearful times when I need to feel Ducky’s fur on my face or her body leaning into mine; but I know she’s always in my heart. I can look at her sweet face in the countless photos on my phone or in picture frames. And in the photo pendant I wear around my neck every day.

Photo pendant that I bought from an Etsy seller.

Memories

03/30/202203/30/202214 Comments

Last night was six weeks since Ducky joined her sisters and brothers at the Rainbow Bridge; so as I do almost every day, I went looking through all my photos of the last couple of years. I found this one for today’s Wordless Wednesday blog hop post….

And this one where she was wearing her happy face….

I will forever miss my baby girl, my soulmate. About the only thought that makes me feel better at times is knowing that she is whole and healthy again; and playing with Callie, Shadow, Radar, and Bogie while they all wait for me to join them. Truth be told, Radar is probably waiting for hubby. But that’s ok…they had an instant soul connection, like Ducky and me.

Happy Wordless/Wordy Wednesday everyone. Give all your fur-kids some lovies for me. 💗

Thankful Thursday

03/10/202203/18/20228 Comments

This past Tuesday night was three weeks since Ducky left us to be reunited with Callie, Shadow, Radar, and Bogie. I’ve been struggling in my attempts to adjust to life without her.

I’m still struggling. Ducky was the one who always helped hubby and me deal with whatever life threw at us during the nine plus years she was with us.

I’m thankful that God allowed us to be her Daddy and Mama all this time. And thankful that He didn’t let her suffer too much that night he gave her the angel wings she so richly deserved. She was an angel with paws, my special angel, and it hurts to not be able to love on her.

I’m thankful for all the lessons Ducky taught me. And, believe me, she taught me more than I ever taught her. I’m thankful for all the wonderful moments we shared. I’m thankful for all the moments that were hard on us but which helped cement the bond between us. I’m thankful for her unconditional love that allowed her to forgive me for all those times when I was much less than the ideal mama she deserved.

This is the perfect chew toy for me, Mama!

Again, we’re thankful for all the love, kind words, and emotional support we have received from family and friends, both offline and online, many of whom we have never met face-to-face. And I’m thankful for the sweet, thoughtful gifts from three of my fellow bloggers – you know who you are.

We’re thankful for our wonderful vets and staff at Haywood Road Animal Hospital who so lovingly and compassionately comforted us and handled all the final details of making sure Ducky would be coming home to be with us forever.

We’re thankful for the St. Francis Pet Crematorium staff who made sure Ducky’s earthly form was treated with the dignity and compassion she deserved. And her cremains returned to us with heartfelt expression of sympathy for our loss.

My Heart Dog Awaits Me in Heaven

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Oh, Ducky, Daddy and I miss you so much baby girl. You were and always will be Daddy’s little princess. You were my constant companion, my little protector, my helper. You were and always will be my soulmate and my heart dog.

You left us so suddenly eleven nights ago that I didn’t have a chance to tell you, again, how very much I love you and to kiss your sweet face. I didn’t have a chance to get a last kiss from you, or to give you a belly, chest, and ear rub. Or just to see you smile at me.

One day soon I will write another blog post about you. Right now though I can’t. Losing you and Bogie so close together is just too unbearably hard to process. I’m struggling with not having you here physically to love on and play with and talk to all the time.

in my heart 4ever

Lovingly Dedicated To All My Furry Kids

Tag: always with us