These two pups are the loves of my current life. They complete my seconds, minutes, hours, days.
They heal the emptiness in my life since Ducky joined her brothers and sisters at the Rainbow Bridge.
They soothe the loneliness in my life created when their human Dad was freed of his dementia demons and his physical aches and pains. While it will never be completely gone, at least it doesn’t hurt as much when my Z Kids are around.
Today – Sunday, November 26th, 2023 is the 30th anniversary of my and hubby’s wedding. It should be a happy day. Yet I spent the majority of it in tears. I miss my man so much! He was my soulmate, my best friend.
We were supposed to grow older together. We were supposed to travel together, play with the dogs together.
I should be happy we had 28 years together. And I am. I’m grateful for the years we did have. But I’m also sad and angry that we didn’t get to have more. I’m sad and angry that the dementia stole him from himself and from me. I try to recall that last greeting, that last “I love you” and it eludes me, which saddens me even more. I thank God that at least Sam transitioned peacefully from this world to the one where he was given his wings and made whole again. Yet some days I yell and scream at God for cursing Sam with the dementia. It’s called grieving. And it feels like the pits of hell some days. Other days, like yesterday, I’m fine during the day; but as it gets closer to bedtime, the pups’ adolescent behaviors push me to the very limit of my patience. Then, once they settle down I do too. And everything is right in our little world again. I say good night to them, and to their angel sisters and brothers. And I tell Sam “I love you, and I miss you so much. Good night my love.”
I originally started this blog after Callie passed away in 2015. Then Shadow left us, too; and I started posting here more than in my original blog. Now, eight years later, it feels only right that I should include Sam in my group of angels waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge because I know he’s right there playing with them.
Writing this post has been somewhat cathartic for me. I’ve only been on this widow’s journey for a little over a year. I have these two adolescent dogs to love and raise without my hubby’s help. But I know he’s looking down at me saying “you can do it. You’ve got this!” And then he blows stardust down at the pups and me so we know we’re loved. ❤️
HAPPY 30th ANNIVERSARY SAM!!! I LOVE YOU NOW AND ALWAYS!!!
Since this past Tuesday was also Zen’s (half-year) Gotcha Day – he’s been with me for 18 months – it’s only fitting that I should give him his own post on Thankful Thursday.
Zen and I have been through so much together in his short lifetime…his human daddy’s dementia and subsequent last months at home and then his passing; my relief and grief over my human soulmate’s passing; all the repair jobs that have had to be done on and in the house; and then the first holidays without hubby, Ducky, and Bogie. And my dear, sweet boy helping me raise his little sister. Then he guided me through his angel brother/cousin Bogie’s first anniversary in Heaven; Bogie’s, hubby’s, and Ducky’s first birthdays in Heaven; and then Ducky’s first anniversary in Heaven. And my own little health scare, which thankfully turned out to be minor and easily resolved.
That’s A LOT to go through in the span of a year and a half! But my boy got me through all of it. He has been here for me through thick and thin. Just as his mentor, Ducky, was all those years before and would have been if she could have. But in truth, she was here in spirit … mentoring and helping Zen to help me as she would have done. ❤️🩹❤️🩹
Zen is my sunshine boy. My leprechaun (he, like his birth mama, was born on St. Patrick’s Day), my huggy-bear, my earthbound guardian angel with paws, my helper. And while he is maturing into a calm adult, he is still very much a puppy when playing with his little sister.
I thank Ducky every day for picking Zen out for me…she knew exactly which of Bogie’s baby cousins would be perfect for her grieving mama.
In just two words … my dogs. I am passionate about their welfare, their health, and their happiness. I am passionate about giving them the best life I can afford.
I am passionate about giving them as much unconditional love as they give me. They are sweet, loving, goofy, fun, loyal, and sometimes frustrating teenagers. They are my best friends as well as my “fur-babies” and I am their “mama”.
They are both Heaven-sent, picked out for me by my canine soulmate who earned her angel wings and joined her older sisters and younger brothers in Heaven in February of last year.
These two current pups didn’t know their human “daddy” – hubby’s dementia had already mostly robbed me of the man I married by the time Zen came to live with us at 8 weeks of age. The shell of that man made my poor puppy nervous at times, so he spent a lot of time with his breeder. When hubby was admitted to the hospital, I spent time getting the house cleaned up – when I wasn’t at the hospital with hubby – and then I brought Zen home with me for good. Zoey was born less than a month before hubby passed (peacefully in his sleep at the hospital, thankfully). She came to live with Zen and me in mid-November. And life has been somewhat chaotic and exhausting at times ever since – but always filled with love.
I was just as passionate about my furry angels before they each got their own angel wings. At times it was exhausting dividing my time between them and their human “daddy”; but I always tried to do my best and was always rewarded with their unconditional love.
It devastated hubby and me each time we had to say good-bye to one of the pups. And that devastation – especially the loss of Bogie, an 11-month-old Golden Retriever who got his angel wings due to a traumatic accident – is what finally catapulted poor hubby into the final stages of his dementia. The last one to leave was my soulmate, Ducky, a Cardigan Corgi/Black Lab mix who I adopted from the shelter in 2012. It is Ducky who picked out these two for me, with help from her “baby brother”. Bogie is genetically related to both Zen and Zoey, so he was a natural helper. Ducky knew me better than I knew myself at the time. And she knew exactly what I needed insofar as my next furry earth angels. She visits me quite frequently with their help. (So does Bogie.)
Since this is Thursday – and I am thankful for all the pups I’ve had/now have in my life – I decided this daily prompt from WordPress was perfect for today’s blog hop post.
Callie was my/our very first Golden Retriever. She was born 19 years ago today. She was a sweet, loving, and very independent puppy and adult.
Even at four months old she was teaching me about being a good dog mom. She was the first born in her litter, and from the time she opened her eyes – according to her breeder – she helped her mama stop and settle squabbles among her littermates.
When we added Shadow to our little family six months after we’d brought Callie home, Callie appointed herself Shadow’s surrogate mama, protector, best friend, teacher, and big sister. Callie sensed, correctly, that Shadow was a somewhat “needy” girl right from the start. And from day one, the girls forged a bond between them that would later transcend time and space.
When we added Ducky to the family in 2012, Callie taught Ducky how to be a dog, how to be a member of our family; and she intervened in the many squabbles between Shadow and Ducky. She also taught Ducky all she would need to know about getting along with Shadow once it was just the two of them. I think she might have warned Ducky of ghostly discipline, too, if she didn’t treat Shadow right. 🤣
Callie was my and hubby’s dear friend, our ambassador for her breed. And she owned and loved us equally, neither of us was her favorite “parent.” I will never forget her as long as I have my wits about me. She was our girl. And she was Shadow’s and Ducky’s older sister and best friend. And she taught Ducky well how to protect Shadow and be her true friend and sister.
So I’ll end this post by saying “Happy Birthday” to my dear Callie. The girl who started my love of Golden Retrievers, the girl who picked Radar and Bogie for Sam and me after Shadow joined her at the Rainbow Bridge.
It was at 3:45 am exactly six months ago today – even the number day of the month fell on the same day of the week – that I received the call from the attending physician at the hospital saying Sam (my hubby) had passed in his sleep twelve minutes earlier.
Is it a coincidence that today is also Good Friday, a holy day in the Christian Church? Our savior was crucified, died, and was buried. Sam wasn’t crucified, but he did die on that morning exactly six months ago. And he’s been my chief guardian angel ever since, with help from our six furry angels.
I’m not looking for any sympathy. I’m just expressing my thoughts. I’m adjusting fairly well all things considered. I’ve been missing the man I married for quite some time due to his dementia; but his physical absence has been hard on me at times. If I hadn’t had Zen – and added Zoey a month after Sam’s passing – I’d have had to go into therapy for certain; but these two have been the best therapists I could ask for. I’ve been able to accept that his passing was the best thing for Sam. He no longer has to fight his dementia demons. He is healthy, and blissfully free of the demons.
So, on this Good Friday, 2023, I will continue loving and missing the man I married. And I will share with you one of my favorite photos of Sam. It was taken on his birthday last year. It’s one of my favorites because he was wearing a big smile; because he was himself most of that day – unencumbered by his dementia demons.
I will always be thankful for Sam, for his presence in my life. We had more good times over our years together than I can count. And the rough times were smoothed out by the unconditional love we shared, will always share. We were – and always will be – each other’s soulmate.
Today my big boy is one year old!! My leprechaun, my personal pot ‘o’ gold was born on St. Patrick’s Day 2022. My sunshine, the light of my life, was born in the midst of what turned out to be the worst year of my life. And he remains my sunshine boy.
Zen’s mama, Sunny, is also celebrating her birthday today! She is a sweet girl! What a present to give yourself on your birthday! Nine beautiful, healthy puppies! She is a wonderful mother to her puppies!
Zen was my little Smudge Muzzle at 4 weeks; and he still has a bit of the smudge around that precious muzzle.
We brought him home on May 14th, when he was just past eight weeks old. I chose the 14th because I needed a happy event to balance the awful monthly anniversary of Bogie’s accident.
Zen spent a great deal of time of the first five months of his life at his Grandpa’s house with his mama Sunny, Aunt Bailey, and cousins Stormy, Charlie, and Skye because of Sam’s dementia. It broke my heart to not have him here with me; but Sam’s dementia demons were taking over more frequently and making poor Zen very nervous. It was better for the poor little guy to be in a stable environment. Two weeks after Sam went into the hospital last July my sweet little Zen puppy came home. He’s been with me ever since, healing my broken heart one day at a time.
I can’t believe how fast and BIG he’s grown over the past year! When Sam and I first brought him home he weighed about 12 pounds. Just ten days ago, when I had to get a weight check for his heartworm preventive, he weighed in at 81.5 pounds!! And it’s all muscle!! This boy is strong!!
This boy is such a love! He gives me hugs that are as much from Sam as from himself; he gives me kisses “just because” and when my memories are leaking from my eyes; and he adores his little sister, Zoey (who will be six months old tomorrow).
Happy First Birthday my Smudge Muzzle/Leprechaun/Sunshine Boy!! Mama loves you more than I could ever put into words!! I hope I will always be deserving of your unconditional love!! 💚💚🐾🐾🍀🍀🎂🎂🎈🎈☀️☀️🦴🦴🎾🎾🎁🎉
Zen and Zoey enjoyed their first Christmas, it would appear. Santa brought them new toys and treats; and l gave them a scrambled egg with their breakfast.
And since Zoey’s been doing so much better with her “potty” training these last few weeks, I let her play on the carpeted living room floor with Zen most of the day.
These two had us – my brother and me – laughing most of the day. And there weren’t any accidents on the carpet at all. (Though there were two on the linoleum kitchen floor that I blame myself for.)
On my first Christmas without him, I thought of Sam often throughout the day – missing his physical presence and wishing I could hear his laughter and see his smile as the puppies played with their toys. – I came close to tears a few times, but mostly just felt the hole in my space that Sam’s presence filled for most of the last 30 years. I know he was here in spirit, as were all our furry angels. It was that knowing they were here with us in spirit that mostly kept the tears away.
And on my first Christmas without sweet Ducky and darling Bogie, I called Zoey “Ducky” several times because of the stark similarities in their sweet natures. And once or twice I called Zen “Bogie” just because it came out of my mouth first. LOL. A fleeting thought of dear Bogie’s awful death brought tears to my eyes, but they dried quickly when I thought of how loving, sweet, and intuitive he was throughout his much-too-short life.
Sometime last night, as I was checking Facebook, I found this memory of Ducky from what should have been Radar’s first Christmas with us. I felt myself choke up a little remembering that sweet boy’s battle with heart worm disease in 2019. But at least he went ahead knowing he had a family who loved him dearly and would miss his love and presence in their life.
So, all in all, my first Christmas without my two cherished soulmates was a good one. Bittersweet memories of Christmases past mixed with new memories to treasure from Christmas present. Unlike Ebenezer Scrooge, the ghost of Christmas future didn’t visit me in my dreams so I have no idea what’s in store for me. And I’m not going to dwell on or worry about it.
So, in ending this post, I hope that all my family and friends had a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever holiday you celebrate at this time of year. May we ALL look forward to a happy and fulfilling new year.
Today is our 29th Wedding Anniversary. Right now we should be enjoying our morning hug and first cup of coffee. We ought to be enjoying it together. We ought to be looking forward to celebrating with our dinner at Schwaben House later on, sharing our joy with Annette and Giorgio and the staff as we have for the last several years.
I miss you so much! I hear our favorite songs and they start the tears flowing. Or I go into Publix and avoid the ice cream shelves in the frozen food section – especially the Haagen Dasz bars that we always enjoyed together.
I never used to mind living without another human, as long as I had a canine companion. Now, after all our years together, I feel so empty and alone at times. Zen and Zoey are so sweet, and such good company … they make me smile and laugh and at times yell in frustration … but they’re not you. While you were in the hospital I could at least cling to the hope that a miracle would make you whole again and able to come home.
Sam, I know you’re up there in Heaven watching over me. You’re my Guardian Angel now; and along with Callie, Shadow, Ducky, Radar, and Bogie, you’re also watching over Zen and Zoey for me. I try to be my old cheerful, optimistic, sometimes silly self because I know that’s what you would want to see me being. Out in public I usually am. Here at home is another story.
I love you, Sam. I always have loved you. Our little squabbles and arguments were just that because we were soulmates from the start. Our connection goes much deeper than just our hearts. It joins our souls, and even though you’re not here physically, I know your spirit is here with me. I just miss our physical togetherness, our “us”, being able to feel your hand in mine or your arms around my waist. I know you whisper in Zen’s ear sometimes because he’ll stand on his hind legs and put his front legs against my chest and paws on my shoulders and give me a hug and a slobbery kiss. Don’t ever stop, please. I need those Zen hugs!
Happy Anniversary Sam! Have I Told You Lately that I love you, that there’s no one else above you? That was our wedding song and it will always be our song. I will miss you forever and always, until we meet again.
It is with very deep sadness that I must tell you my beloved husband, Sam, passed peacefully in his sleep early Friday morning, October 7th. 💔😢.
Most – if not all – of my long time readers know (but may not remember) that Sam was diagnosed with early-onset dementia in June of 2018. Back then it was still mild enough that Sam could enjoy a sense of independence. As the years passed, however, his cognitive abilities became so impaired that the doctors insisted he not be allowed to drive any more. That loss of independence really bothered him. Then Bogie had his traumatic accident, and a month later we lost Ducky to the sudden heart failure. The two losses coming so close together devastated us both and really started Sam’s downward spiral.
Before the dementia took control of Sam’s mind, we had a soul-to-soul connection, an affinity with each other that carried us through many trivial arguments over this or that. And it helped me separate the Sam I love from the dementia-induced alter ego who angered me, disappointed me, and hurt my feelings so often.
The real Sam was a kind-hearted, loving, friendly soul who never met a stranger. The real Sam loved his family – including each one of our many fur babies – with his whole heart, and we all love him. Now Sam and the fur kids (except Zen obviously) are all together again. Sam is no longer being chased relentlessly by his dementia demons; and all the earthly anxieties that plagued Ducky when Sam’s demons were lurking about are gone. So now they can all relax and enjoy each other’s company while they wait for Zen and me to join them.
I miss the real Sam. I know his spirit is with me, but I miss his physical presence. I miss our morning hugs, sitting in his lap with my head against his shoulder when I was sad, our walks around the back yard. I miss our day trips to the mountains with the pups. I miss his smile, his laugh, his hand reaching for mine. I miss watching him interact with the dogs. And I will miss him and each of them until it’s my turn to join them.
Grief is the price we pay for love. I know the pain of this loss will ebb and flow. I’m prepared for that. So I’ll close this post with a simple request…prayers for anyone and everyone impacted in some way by dementia. It is a horribly cruel disease, worse than cancer in my opinion.
I don’t have the obituary quite ready yet; but I can tell you that we will have a simple memorial service for Sam at our church a week from Saturday. For anyone who wants more details, just send me a message or email.
in my heart 4ever 