Zen Is Two Today!!

I can’t believe my big boy, my sunshine, my leprechaun, my pot of gold, my lucky charm is suddenly two years old! 💚🐾☘️🐾

Before Bogie’s ashes even came home, I was looking forward to Zen’s arrival. I had promised Ducky that we would get her another baby brother to help her deal with Daddy’s dementia demons. Then Ducky left me, too. I was devastated. But once the shock wore off and I was left with just the reality of her absence, I knew Ducky would pick the perfect puppy for me. I just had to wait patiently. That waiting wasn’t easy in between Sam’s dementia-induced “episodes” but I managed. And suddenly, on St. Patrick’s Day 2022, on their mama’s birthday, my little furball and his nine siblings were born. I was soooo excited! And Sam was excited (when his dementia allowed him some control).

Oh! They were soooo cute and tiny! Baby leprechauns all! When they were three weeks old, Sam and I went to see them. I saw baby Zen, with his smudge muzzle, looking at us from under a chair and fell in love.

He stole my heart even then, but at just three weeks old he wasn’t ready to choose his humans yet. So we went back to see all the puppies again the following week. And I let Ducky do the choosing. I knew she would whisper in the right puppy ear. It took a little extra encouragement from Ducky because Sam’s demons were lurking in the shadows; but that little cutie I had already fallen in love with picked me. And eventually picked Sam too.

So much has happened since that day four weeks after Zen was born that I couldn’t possibly include it all here. Some of it was heartbreaking, some of it was truly frightening, a lot of it loaded with anxiety. But once Sam was in a place where I knew he would be cared for professionally and compassionately, the anxiety eased enough that I could bring Zen back home. So I did and our relationship, our bond has been growing.

We’ve had our times when my journey into widowhood has made for tense moments, but we’ve gotten through them relatively unscathed and more bonded as a result. Zen has truly been my “rock” throughout these 17+ months since Sam joined Bogie, Ducky, and our other pups at the Rainbow Bridge to wait for me.

Then, six months and one day after Zen was born, his little cousin Zoey came into this world with her own nine siblings. I knew I wanted another girl to love. And I knew raising pups of the opposite sex would be challenging. But I felt up to it and Zen needed a playmate. So, six months to the day after Sam and I brought Zen home for the first time, I brought Zoey home while my brother stayed with Zen.

This photo brings back memories of Callie and Shadow at the same ages.

Zen is not just my rock; he’s also an excellent big brother.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZEN-ZEN!! ☘️☘️🎂🎉🎈 Zoey and I love you and will do all we can to make your day as special as you are! 💚💚💚💚💚

A Day of Bittersweet Memories

01/14/202406/19/202417 Comments

January 14, 2022 was the worst day of my life, of all our – Sam’s, Ducky’s, and my brother’s – lives. And, to be honest, the first day of the worst year of my life. It was the day my sweet Bogie got his angel wings. And it was the day that my sweet Ducky’s heart broke irreparably. That sweet, loving, adorable boy. Just thinking about how it happened still brings a flood of tears – the bitter part of my memories. All I can do is thank God for allowing Sam and me to be his human parents and Ducky to be his “big sister” for his short life.

I will always miss this boy. He loved snuggling with me, and I loved snuggling with him. Bogie was the reason why I decided to get another “baby brother” for Ducky as soon as I could, which leads me to the sweet part of my memories…

A few days after Bogie got his wings, I called our friend and Bogie’s “Grandpa Chuck” and told him “I want another baby brother for Ducky. I’ll send you a check tomorrow.” Even though Ducky’s broken heart earned her her own angel wings a month later, I knew she would pick the perfect puppy for us. And she did….

This adorable little smudge muzzle was born on March 17, 2022 but even before then he became my sunshine boy. Sam’s dementia took nearly total control of him after Ducky got her wings; and the only thing I felt I had to smile about was knowing I would soon have another puppy to love on and be loved by. So Zen became my sunshine. When he was born, I decided his Gotcha Day would have to be on the monthly anniversary of Bogie’s passing. I needed a happy event to balance the tragic one. So Sam and I brought Zen home on May 14th.

After Ducky passed, I knew Zen would eventually need a playmate, and I wanted another girl. At first I wasn’t sure I could deal with two puppies and Sam. I kept wondering out loud if I had lost my marbles somewhere along the way. But Zen was such an easy puppy once Sam was admitted to the hospital, that I stopped wondering. Shortly after Sam was admitted to the hospital, Bogie’s mama, Bailey, was mated with his daddy’s brother so I knew the chances of getting a female version of my Bogie were pretty darn good. And the chances of her being exactly six months younger than Zen were good, too. It turned out to be six months and a day, but that’s close enough. So the second sweet part of my memories came into my life….

Look at that foot in the water bowl! To this day, she thinks water is for more than just drinking, just like Bogie! And Zoey’s Gotcha Day became November 14th, exactly six months after Zen, and ten months after us losing her older genetic brother. And, oh my doG, does she ever remind me of Bogie! She looks just like him and she acts just like him. She is a snuggle bunny just like Bogie was; and she’s sassy with Zen like Bogie was with Ducky.

So, as bitter as the memories are of losing sweet Bogie that awful day two years ago, at least his younger cousin and sister provide me with extra sweet memories for counterbalance. And truthfully Bogie’s not gone. He’s here every day, along with Ducky and their human daddy. I just can’t see him or love on him.

Feeling A Mix of Emotions

11/26/202306/19/202430 Comments

Today – Sunday, November 26th, 2023 is the 30th anniversary of my and hubby’s wedding. It should be a happy day. Yet I spent the majority of it in tears. I miss my man so much! He was my soulmate, my best friend.

We were supposed to grow older together. We were supposed to travel together, play with the dogs together.

I should be happy we had 28 years together. And I am. I’m grateful for the years we did have. But I’m also sad and angry that we didn’t get to have more. I’m sad and angry that the dementia stole him from himself and from me. I try to recall that last greeting, that last “I love you” and it eludes me, which saddens me even more. I thank God that at least Sam transitioned peacefully from this world to the one where he was given his wings and made whole again. Yet some days I yell and scream at God for cursing Sam with the dementia. It’s called grieving. And it feels like the pits of hell some days. Other days, like yesterday, I’m fine during the day; but as it gets closer to bedtime, the pups’ adolescent behaviors push me to the very limit of my patience. Then, once they settle down I do too. And everything is right in our little world again. I say good night to them, and to their angel sisters and brothers. And I tell Sam “I love you, and I miss you so much. Good night my love.”

I originally started this blog after Callie passed away in 2015. Then Shadow left us, too; and I started posting here more than in my original blog. Now, eight years later, it feels only right that I should include Sam in my group of angels waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge because I know he’s right there playing with them.

Writing this post has been somewhat cathartic for me. I’ve only been on this widow’s journey for a little over a year. I have these two adolescent dogs to love and raise without my hubby’s help. But I know he’s looking down at me saying “you can do it. You’ve got this!” And then he blows stardust down at the pups and me so we know we’re loved. ❤️

HAPPY 30th ANNIVERSARY SAM!!! I LOVE YOU NOW AND ALWAYS!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Zoey!!! 🎈🥳🦴

09/18/202309/18/202317 Comments

It’s hard to believe that this sweet, loving, precious angel-with-paws was born a year ago today! And it’s hard to believe that she was once this small….

I remember trying to “will” her to be born the day before, on Zen’s half-year birthday, so I’d have another pair of puppies born exactly six months apart. Well, one day’s not a big deal. 😊

Long-time readers may (or may not) remember that my first two Golden babies were born exactly six months apart…Callie on April 16, 2004 and Shadow on October 16, 2004. (And their Gotcha Days were also exactly 6 months apart, June 7th and Dec. 7th.) But I’m drifting here, so back to Zoey.

This sweet little girl has brought Zen and me so much joy! She’s just what we needed…Zen needed a playmate and I needed another little girl, but one who would snuggle with me like her angel-brother Bogie used to. My two Z Kids bonded right from the start into a mutual adoration society.

And as she grew, big brother Zen let her climb all over him…

Zoey still climbs all over her brother and loves to curl up and snuggle with him….

Happy First Birthday my sweet and sassy little girl! Zen and I love you to the end of the universe and back! You complete our little family. Today is your day. Thankfully the sun is shining again after yesterday’s rain made Zen’s half-year birthday kinda gloomy – weather-wise only – so we can spend time playing in the sunshine like we all love to do. ☀️☀️☀️

Coincidence or Not?

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It was at 3:45 am exactly six months ago today – even the number day of the month fell on the same day of the week – that I received the call from the attending physician at the hospital saying Sam (my hubby) had passed in his sleep twelve minutes earlier.

Is it a coincidence that today is also Good Friday, a holy day in the Christian Church? Our savior was crucified, died, and was buried. Sam wasn’t crucified, but he did die on that morning exactly six months ago. And he’s been my chief guardian angel ever since, with help from our six furry angels.

I’m not looking for any sympathy. I’m just expressing my thoughts. I’m adjusting fairly well all things considered. I’ve been missing the man I married for quite some time due to his dementia; but his physical absence has been hard on me at times. If I hadn’t had Zen – and added Zoey a month after Sam’s passing – I’d have had to go into therapy for certain; but these two have been the best therapists I could ask for. I’ve been able to accept that his passing was the best thing for Sam. He no longer has to fight his dementia demons. He is healthy, and blissfully free of the demons.

So, on this Good Friday, 2023, I will continue loving and missing the man I married. And I will share with you one of my favorite photos of Sam. It was taken on his birthday last year. It’s one of my favorites because he was wearing a big smile; because he was himself most of that day – unencumbered by his dementia demons.

I will always be thankful for Sam, for his presence in my life. We had more good times over our years together than I can count. And the rough times were smoothed out by the unconditional love we shared, will always share. We were – and always will be – each other’s soulmate.

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY ZEN!!! 💚💚💚💚🐾🐾

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Today my big boy is one year old!! My leprechaun, my personal pot ‘o’ gold was born on St. Patrick’s Day 2022. My sunshine, the light of my life, was born in the midst of what turned out to be the worst year of my life. And he remains my sunshine boy.

Zen’s mama, Sunny, is also celebrating her birthday today! She is a sweet girl! What a present to give yourself on your birthday! Nine beautiful, healthy puppies! She is a wonderful mother to her puppies!

Sam with Zen when Zen was about 4 weeks old

At 4 Weeks Old He Was Already My Boy 💚🐾🍀

Zen was my little Smudge Muzzle at 4 weeks; and he still has a bit of the smudge around that precious muzzle.

We brought him home on May 14th, when he was just past eight weeks old. I chose the 14th because I needed a happy event to balance the awful monthly anniversary of Bogie’s accident.

Zen spent a great deal of time of the first five months of his life at his Grandpa’s house with his mama Sunny, Aunt Bailey, and cousins Stormy, Charlie, and Skye because of Sam’s dementia. It broke my heart to not have him here with me; but Sam’s dementia demons were taking over more frequently and making poor Zen very nervous. It was better for the poor little guy to be in a stable environment. Two weeks after Sam went into the hospital last July my sweet little Zen puppy came home. He’s been with me ever since, healing my broken heart one day at a time.

I can’t believe how fast and BIG he’s grown over the past year! When Sam and I first brought him home he weighed about 12 pounds. Just ten days ago, when I had to get a weight check for his heartworm preventive, he weighed in at 81.5 pounds!! And it’s all muscle!! This boy is strong!!

Taking a short play break a few days ago

This boy is such a love! He gives me hugs that are as much from Sam as from himself; he gives me kisses “just because” and when my memories are leaking from my eyes; and he adores his little sister, Zoey (who will be six months old tomorrow).

Happy First Birthday my Smudge Muzzle/Leprechaun/Sunshine Boy!! Mama loves you more than I could ever put into words!! I hope I will always be deserving of your unconditional love!! 💚💚🐾🐾🍀🍀🎂🎂🎈🎈☀️☀️🦴🦴🎾🎾🎁🎉

We Took A Little Break

03/03/202303/03/20235 Comments

A few weeks ago I had to have the air duct system under the house replaced. The old one was originally installed, I think, around 1988 or 89 after Sam moved in. (Before we knew each other.)

The air quality inside the house was, well let’s just say, poor. And the dust just. would. not. go away. I’d dust one room; and before I even moved on to the next room, the dust would be right back where it had been. It was frustrating to say the least.

So along with having the system replaced, I bought some air purifiers from Amazon and have had them running at various speeds all day long every day. I could tell the difference almost immediately.

I also did a “spring cleaning” of sorts of the main part of the house. Being the only human in the house, I could only reach so far even standing on the step stool or laying on the floor with the dust mop; but I got about 95% of the dust. I let my little robot vacuum do the rest of the reachable areas.

I still have to do the big room downstairs, but that’s going to take a week at least. First I have to get rid of ~~some~~ most of the clutter that’s accumulated over the 28 years since we closed in the carport and made it into my office and laundry area. That job alone could easily take a week, especially since I still can’t bring myself to part with some dog toys, clothes, collars, etc. from as far back as Kissy. (For those of you who don’t know, Kissy was my own first dog as an adult. She was a small miniature poodle who came with me when I moved down here in 1993 – from Long Island, NY – to marry Sam.)

So, with all the cleaning I had to do, I had to take a break so I could give Zen and Zoey some quality time. I’ll take another break while I’m (finally) doing the room downstairs. But Zen, Zoey, and I will return! And I’ll probably be posting pix and videos on Facebook of my two hooligans.

The pups’ monthly Gotcha Day is coming up in less than two weeks; and Zen’s first yearly birthday is two weeks from today so you know I’ll be doing a post for that! And Zoey will have her first half-year birthday the very next day. 🎉🎂🎈💚💜🐾🐾

Thankful for So Much

02/16/202312 Comments

To start with, I’m thankful that Heavenly Birthdays Week is over. And that Ducky’s first year in Heaven is complete as of last night. It was a rough nine days, but I got through it intact.

Those are the flowers I had put in the sanctuary of our church on Sunday morning in honor of my three newest guardian angels on their birthdays.

I’m thankful, too, for my earth angels, Zen and Zoey. Thankful that they love me unconditionally, and that they love each other too.

I’m thankful for all my friends in the pet blogosphere who have “been there” for me over the years and with whom I’ve shared the joys and sorrows of pet parenthood. ❤️❤️

And I’m thankful for my genetic family, my church family, my Golden (Retriever) family, my family of friends and neighbors, the roof over my and my pups’ heads, food on my table and in my pups’ bowls, and so much more that I can’t enumerate.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Sweet Ducky

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My sweet, loving, sassy soulmate. You would be starting your 11th year on earth today if you were still here physically. Instead, you’ll be starting your second year as a winged furry angel on Wednesday night.

I know you’re always nearby, even if I can’t see you. You borrow Zoey’s earthly form to visit me. Quite often. I call Zoey by your name. A LOT.

I miss your physical presence, baby girl. I miss your sweet puppy kisses. I miss seeing that sweet smile, and loving gaze, that you reserved just for me. And I will until we are reunited.

Ducky, you and I will always have that special heart-and-soul connection. It transcends time and space. It keeps our spirits connected even though our physical selves are separated. All those years we spent working and playing together, trying to relieve your anxieties around strange, unfamiliar people, were the cement that strengthened our bond from one day to the next; from one year to the next.

I was devastated when you left your earthly form behind that night. My baby girl was “gone” in an instant. I hadn’t been able to tell you one last time how very much I love you. Or how very sorry I was for not being able to protect you well enough from Daddy’s dementia demons. I hadn’t been able to hold you lovingly as you left your body behind. It took a long time, and the help of a pet-loss psychologist, to forgive myself for all the times I felt I had failed you or disappointed you. Just writing this is bringing on the tears again. Zen keeps coming over to check on me. Zoey is here on the couch, curled up next to me, like Bogie used to do in the mornings.

Wednesday night will be a year since you joined your sisters and brothers in Heaven. I won’t ever “get over” losing your physical presence, your special smile, your sweet puppy kisses. But Zen and Zoey have been healing and expanding my shattered heart with their own ways of loving me. And I know you’ve been right here with us, helping us.

I will always love you, Ducky. And I know you will always love me, and be here with me. ❤️🐾❤️🐾. We will meet again, my sweet girl. Zen and Zoey send you puppy kisses. 💚🐾💜🐾🦮😘🦮😘

Three Heavenly Birthdays

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My three most recently departed loves have heavenly birthdays coming up this month. I will miss them all until the day we are reunited. And I’m sure many more memories will leak from my eyes between now and then; but this is a celebratory post, not a sad one.

In birthdate order, Bogie will be 2 years old on February 6th; Sam will be 73 on February 9th; and Ducky will be 11 years old on February 13th.

Sweet Bogie, our angel disguised as a dog

This boy’s time on earth was cut short through a tragic accident that took him from us. 💔 BUT during his time on earth, he filled our lives with so much joy, love, and laughter that we felt his loss perhaps more acutely than we might have otherwise. This boy was truly an angel on earth disguised as a dog. 💙 He knew instinctively, even at such a young age, exactly when his (human) daddy needed him; and went to him without hesitation to give love and be loved upon. And in the mornings, while Ducky slept in my chair, Bogie snuggled with me on the couch. Most of the rest of his day was spent playing with the older sister he adored and who adored him in return.

Sam, the love of my life, my human soulmate

This photo was taken last year, at our favorite restaurant, Schwaben House, where we had his birthday lunch. It was a happy day for us both, as his dementia demons were leaving him alone. It is my favorite of more then-recent photos of the man I’d married 28 years earlier. He was more himself that day than he had been in many previous days. ❤️ More himself than he would ever be again after that day. I will always gratefully remember the way he was that day.

Ducky, my sweet, sassy soulmate, my heart dog.

Ducky came into my life while I was taking a course to become a dog obedience training instructor. I was in the externship stage; and I was volunteering at the animal shelter, with the mission of helping the dogs become more adoptable. Ducky was the second of my charges. (The first, a pittie mix named Honey, was adopted a few days earlier.) Sweet Ducky stole my heart the instant I first saw her in her puppy-room kennel. And the rest of her story is now history. She wrapped my heart around her little paw and decided that – one way or the other – I was going to be her new mama. A few months later, she got her wish. We spent the next nine plus years working and playing together to ease her reactivity. And her older sisters taught her how to be a family dog instead of a kennel-bound shelter dog. Our bond grew into a soul connection that has transcended time and space. ❤️❤️

So, on this Thankful Thursday, I wish my three loves a happy birth month. I am so thankful you were each a big part of my life. I miss your physical presence; but I know you are with me always.

in my heart 4ever

Lovingly Dedicated To All My Furry Kids

Tag: memories